You won’t believe where this guy got caught defacating

PHOENIX, ARIZONA – A journalist from CBS affiliate KPHO Phoenix has been arrested while waiting to report on a case of dog cruelty. Unable to contain the need for an immediate evacuation of his bowels, Lowe went ahead and “left a little present” on the lawn of the suspect in the case.  This has resulted not only in his embarrassment but also in the end of his job (and most likely career) in the media in the town.

photo-illo-jonathan-lowe-cbs-5-kpho
Phoenix newsman Jonathan Lowe has been shitcanned for his crappy on-the-job antics

“Lowe chose to use the front yard of a residence to relieve himself,” Goodyear Police Department spokeswoman Lisa Kutis told the Phoenix New Times. “An onlooker from across the street called it in to officers. They approached him, he said he’d had to relieve himself, and they arrested him.”

The CBS affiliate station, KPHO, which Lowe was working for at the time of the incident (note past tense) was criticized by other members of the press in the town for apparently self-censoring and failing to report on the, now viral, story.

jonathan-lowe-KPHO-Phoenix-arrest
A police officer leads Lowe away after his career ending crap

Although the ever professional Lowe apparently still managed to file his story after he had been released on his own recognizance he was apparently terminated over the affair.  A memo was sent to staff shortly after the incident from News Director Dan Wilson.

memo-jonathan-lowe-KPHO-arizona
FTV Live obtained a copy of this memo from Dan Wilson at KPHO

After his arrest Lowe was charged with public urination or defalcation, a crime which carries with it a maximum penalty of $2500 or 6 months in prison.  He could have some trouble paying that in light of his new status as an unemployed bum.

The story Lowe was reporting on was also pretty intense.  It was about a man who sacrificed and smoked his family poodle while high on drugs, apparently on instructions from God.

 

 

Sign from God seen in dirty Florida daiper

That’s right folks, a woman in Florida who was praying to God for a sign that things were about to get better has found what she was looking for in her child’s used nappy.

holy-shit-hallelujah

“I didn’t think much of it till I went to throw it away,” the woman told the Huffington Post “I believe that when things are bad, as they have been, God will always find a way to let you know things will be okay.” – The Huffington Post

Far from being shitty at the deity for choosing such an unusual way to show her he was paying attention, Katy Vazquez said  “It might not be the prettiest sign, but he put it where he knew I’d see it, hard to miss what’s right there in front of you.” Her Facebook post has now gone well and truly viral.

The post has had over 2000 likes and nearly 8000 shares at the time of writing and is well on the way to the annals of viral news history.

I guess it’s true what they say, God really does have mysterious movements.  For the OhSo team’s part we really hope that Katy’s glass of faith is filled anew at the sight of this saintly shit stain, maybe it’s true that God does answer prayers?

Surprisingly Vazquez disposed of the nasty nappy after she had photographed it, but once it’s on the Internet, it’s there forever, Katy so we’re glad you managed to let everyone know before you tucked it into your trash can.

The big guy upstairs is no stranger to toilets around the world, he was last seen on a toilet wall in Mali as the BBC reported in 2013.  That sighting resulted in crowds so large coming to see the image that riot police had to be deployed to keep the peace.

mali-god-toilet-wall
Huge lines of people in Mali hoping for a glimpse of God on a toilet wall in 2013 (PHOTO BBC)

You missed your main chance, Katy.  You could have had a procession of the faithful lined up outside your door just hoping for a quick whiff of glory.

sign-from-god

 

Rock and roll forever – press your ashes into a record

Dying is kind of boring, let’s be honest.  You get all these people together in a room who you probably don’t like very much while they shed faux tears over your still-warm corpse then you’re either dumped in the ground or burned to a crisp.  Of course, once it’s over it’s over but they do say that Rock and Roll will never die.  If you want to live on forever and you’re a music buff then this service from And Vinyly could be for you.

The company tagline is “Live on from beyond the groove” and they have a range of different packages to suit the needs of every dead rocker.  They seem kind of expensive on the surface but when you think about it – who cares, you’re dead, you may as well spend it.

And Vinyly artwork

For £10,000 they’ll even plan your send off around your death song, if you’re having trouble choosing they’re more than happy to help you out with that too, their catalog of music is available at just £250 a track.  You get two sides, just like you would with any vinyl record and there are 12 minutes to a side.  For their basic, entry level package, £3,000 will get you up to 30 discs pressed out of your remains.

GrimReaperLightning-1

These guys really have thought of everything, in the event that you wanted to bury part of your body but just have a “chosen body part” pressed into a record then they’re more than happy to just do a leg, or perhaps a head….

So what would your choice be for your immortal score?  A bit of Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows perhaps?

 

Video Shows 109-mph Wind Tossing Man on Mount Washington

 

MOUNT WASHINGTON, N.H.  — Winter has been over for nearly two months, but you wouldn’t know it from recent conditions at the tallest peak in the Northeast.

Video posted by the Mount Washington Observatory on Monday shows a worker being blown back by 109-mph wind on the freezing, snow-covered summit. The wind picks him up at one point and tosses him back, rolling him on the ground.

At 6,288 feet, Mount Washington is smaller than big peaks in the Rocky Mountains and other major ranges, but it has some of the worst weather in the world. In fact, 109 mph is nothing compared with a U.S.-record 231 mph gust observed at the summit in 1934. (AP Network)

José Cardoso’s Play Doh Art – You Won’t be Able to Look Away

This Portuguese artist has taken some seriously realistic looking play doh mashups of people and basically smashed their faces in.  The results are creepy, a little scary and utterly mesmerizing.  He has people randomly mash up blocks of play doh in to whatever shape they wish and then photoshops the “blobs” onto the faces of the people who made them.  The results are nothing short of incredible.

Cardoso is based in the city of Porto in Portugal and says  that his work is open to a wide range of interpretations.  At first glance for us it kind of creeped us right out but it has to be said that it is extremely clever and very creative.

“There’s a lot of theories about identity loss nowadays, about how social networks can help you fake your real identity,” Cardoso told HuffPost. “Why do people use photoshop in order to hide imperfections but never use that tool to enhance deficiencies?”

Reactions have been mixed and have included everything from people being offended to people saying that he is making a strong statement.  The work is underpinned by a question that the artist asks: Why do we use photoshop to hide our deformities instead of to enhance them?

An interesting question indeed, while we’re talking Play Doh…. check this out…

 

 

 

 

Scientific Study Says People Who Post Inspirational Quotes are in Fact ‘Morons’

meme 2

 

Ever just have that urge to post an inspirational meme that quotes a highly important individual?

 

Have you just done it once? Twice? 300 times? All day every day? Well you could be a moron.

 

If you use Facebook as a posting platform for inspirational quotes scientists have discovered that those who post these little lines of tripe are most likely ‘Morons.’

 

Canadian researchers at the University of Waterloo set out to investigate the phenomenon of “pseudo-profound bullshit,” otherwise known as phrases and quotes that seem deeply philosophical, but are often just meaningless.

 

The research team began by posting randomly generated nonsense wisdom throughout the internet – feeding it into groups of subjects alongside real quotes that actually made sense.

 

meme 1

 

One of the first postings was  “This life is nothing short of an ennobling oasis of self-aware faith.” Which basically has no meaning whatsoever, making no sense to anyone with a brain.

 

Scientists asked those in the group to rate the quote on a scale of 1 to 5 – classifying them as profound, mundane, or pure bullshit.

 

Those in the group were also given traditional intelligence tests to determine cognitive thinking abilities and personality types. (we have no doubt the meter barely got off the 1 or even met it half way).

 

The test proved to be comical, if you can even think what that might mean, the test in fact discovered that participants in the study had trouble distinguishing the profound from the meaningless.

 

To add to the study, those who concentrated on meaningless words were more likely to believe in conspiracy theories and paranormal activities.

 

Some of the sub-human participants were tested for a higher level of intelligence, some showed that they were more likely to reflect or sniff out the meaningless, illogical bullshit the test threw at them.

 

meme 3

 

In conclusion the researchers said “Some people may have an uncritically open mind, as the idiom goes: “It pays to keep an open mind, but no so open your brains fall out.”

 

So the next time you’re about to post a inspirational meme, be careful, you most likely are feeding it to the moron crowd, or worse yet, you are in fact the moron who is feeding it to yourself.
“Happy Posting” 🙂

God back in court – Nebraska woman sues all gays

It has been a SERIOUSLY busy month so far for everybody’s favorite deity.  He has found himself getting arrested in an Apple Store, been sued by a disillusioned disciple in Israel and now his representative is suing all homosexuals.  Yes, every single gay person is being sued in Nebraska by a woman who is not only representing herself in the case – but claims to represent God and Jesus.

god-hates-fags

In her complaint she states:

“I’m sixty six years old, and I never thought that I would see the day in which our Great Nation or Our Great State of Nebraska would become so compliant to the complicity of some peoples lewd behavior.”

The document then goes on to ask the question…

“Why are judges passing laws, so sinners can break religious and moral laws?”

Then gets to the nitty gritty of the matter, God’s good name as an honest bloke…

Will all the judges of this Nation, judge God to be a liar?

omaha-nebraska-woman-sues-gays

Patheos got the full content of the law suit and branded it as “ridiculous”.

There are plenty of crimes that have been committed in the name of God, like this shocking case of animal abuse in the name of a bible lesson:

The pastor who starved his dog as part of a bible lesson:

In spite of his perceived omnipotence it is pretty universal that lawsuits against God tend to end up failing because he could not be found to be notified of proceedings.

In 2005 a prisonrt in Romania actually attempted to sue God for breaching the binding contract that was his baptism and failing to keep him from the arms of the devil.  In this case it was the big guy’s negligence that caused Pavel M to commit murder.

 

 

 

Shirt Jerky – a wanker’s wonderland

Miserable masturbators fear no more, the answer to your prayers has come.  Thanks to this AMAZING new invention you’re no longer confined to private places when the overwhelming desire to rub one out tingles in your groin.

The problem with public self loving is that it is not only considered impolite but is also illegal in most places.  While this is grossly unfair to the masturbating majority we can understand why the laws exist.  So save yourself from ending up on the sex offenders register and get yourself a Jerk Shirt.

jerk-shirt

The act of masturbation is as old as human beings themselves and it’s one that is seldom spoken about (or conducted) in public.  What we really love about this product is that it sets the wankers free.  An earnest and noble desire, no more hiding in waist high foliage guys – get out there!

So, what’s in a shirt?

The logistics of self amorous apparel are not without complication.  You’ve got to be able to hide the hand that is hotdogging, protect against post-thrill spills and do it all while looking fashionable.  This piece of clothing is anything but low tech with plenty of built in features to protect you while you’re buffing your banana on a public bus.

It has a synthetic arm (only one unfortunately so any two handed tommies are out of luck) and a built in splashguard to avoid unfortunate stains.

The shirt is available for $49.99 from CamSoda and if you believe the reviews on their website it’s not without a furious fanbase.

jerkshirt-reviews

We are just really happy to finally have the the answer to the question that seems to spring up every year while we’re Christmas shopping.

“What the hell can I buy for that wanker, he’s got everything?”

 

Humanity in its Lowest Form – Dad’s Conviction in Diaper Changing Case Overturned in Oregon

diaper 1

 

SALEM, Oregon – Just when you thought you heard it all, along comes an ordeal where police once again overstep their bounds, sending a man to prison while attempting to unravel the truth, which in this day and age is not easy to do.

 

The story begins when a Lane County Oregon police officer is called to the scene of two children ages 4 and 5 years old are wondering outside.

 

But let’s back up the story to the beginning – James Christopher Hickey, a good father and a man attempting to take care of two young children. His five year old son has autism spectrum disorder, a condition that makes him incontinent and forces him to wear a diaper as he has never been potty trained due to his condition.

 

On August 17th, 2012, the two boys were put to bed at 8:30 p.m. in the town of Springfield, Oregon – only to wake up to find the boys had snuck out together in the middle of the night, alone and wandering outside.

 

Once the boys were discovered by ‘concerned citizens’ they call the cops, who show up and instead of worry about the boy’s parents, they decide to change his soiled diaper – which they told a jury later that the boys had been subject to for at least 14 hours.

 

To add to the ‘reality check meter’ of this overall entrapment to file charges against the father, the police got themselves a conviction and Hickey went to jail for not changing his son’s diaper for at least 14 hours, causing him severe rashes – once again showing the overstepping lies and serious destitution of the local police force to find a way to convict such a bad father.

 

Hickey went to the big house based on a diaper, while the local police back home got their last laugh on the entire situation – but then a ray of light came out of it all, a retrial without a jury of 12 morons to listen in disbelief and actually convict someone – nope, this time Hickey received a trial by a panel of three judges, someone that actually understands the law, not predict right and wrong by a county prosecutor hell bent on reelections and not on the welfare of children.

 

Well this week, after two long years in jail, an Oregon appeals court dismissed Hickey’s criminal conviction, overturning a jury’s conviction that the man was guilty of mistreatment.

 

diaper 2

 

The ruling came from a three-judge panel and showed that the prosecution did  in fact fail to prove that Hickey had failed to perform a diaper change for the boy on repeated occasions.

In a 10-page decision (insert rolling eyes here), the panel found that no evidence existed in a single untimely diaper change.

 

To add insult to injury in the entire case, the appeals court let stand Hickey’s conviction on two counts of second-degree child neglect. This conviction was part of the two years in prison until the ‘shitty diaper’ debacle was overturned, which the law had no choice but to set him free.

 

Hickey’s public defender told Reuters in a telephone interview “There was a lot of stuff that came out at trial that showed my client is not a bad person and is not a bad dad.”

 

But leave it up to police, and public defenders to take a case such as this to the ultimate extreme and then wonder why crime and other criminal activities are skyrocketing in their area.
Hopefully Hickey gets the last laugh when he files a case for wrongful conviction so local Lane County folks can open their checkbooks to frivolous bullshit such as this.

 

diapers 4

 

 

Finding the Perfect Canadian Partner If Trump Should Win the Presidency Just Got a Whole Lot Easier

 

TORONTO, Canada – Maple Match, a Canadian dating website is attempting to help those looking to flee the United States should the evil Trump this coming fall in the U.S.

 

Many Americans have pledged to move to Canada should the Presidential front-runner win – and Maple Match is facilitating that notion by offering up the perfect match for those looking to settle in.

 

The Maple Match website read, “Maple Match makes it easy for Americans to find the ideal Canadian partner to save them from the unfathomable horror of a Trump Presidency.”

 

Many Americans say they are offended and alarmed by the constant stupidity involved in the GOP’s choice for president – prompting many to pledge that if the abrasive and belittling Trump wins they are packing it up and heading to Canada.

 

The island of Cape Breton, located on Canada’s Atlantic coast, marketed itself as a major island refuge for Americans seeking to escape should Trump win the White House.

 

Those wanting to add their list to a wait list on the date site may do so, while still contemplating the win – possibly staying in the end should he lose.

 

canada 3

 

Officials for the dating site noted that over 2,500 Canadians signed up for the site’s waiting list as of Tuesday morning when it was posted to the website – looking to score an American no doubt.

 

The site also suggests that finding a perfect match would also lead to an easier Canadian citizenship should the online romance turn to marriage.

 

Many liberals living in the U.S. have said the same during the George Bush tenor, saying they would in fact move to Canada should he win the first time, and then repeated it when he was running for his second term.

 

Though Canada said that during the GW presidency the influx of Americans was robust, but admitted it was no more than any other given time in the past.